it seems that the more i step out and search and question the more i realize that the answers are not forthcoming from external sources. i think what generally occurs at best (which honestly is a wonderful gift) is a small structure of thoughts and ideas that get laid out in a fashion that can guide us. no answers but direction.
"father into your hands i commend my spirit."
"father into your hands why have you forsaken me?"
Luke or Mark, an old bald woman or an old bald man better suited it seems in a suit of leisure, but in his case without homicidal thoughts running like those from her scarlet robes.
what i desire is a teacher; a text or a process or something in which i can commend my spirit but everywhere i turn i am confronted with a human filter. this is the very juxtaposition that adds water to the concrete mixture of my own agony, that a human can ascend but only through its own folly and this is the ubiquitous nature whenever we ask or trust or speak and face all sources, other humans and of course our selves...
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
just a reed
My lord why was today so hard? And how is it that I would describe the day as being hard and at the same time a great day? I suppose this question sounds in earnest only for a lazy fellow, which I more than likely am a lazy fellow. But, in this case the difficulty of the day was in my human disposition to feel pain. I cycled through a few different emotions; anger, agitation, sadness and hopelessness and simply feeling lost in general to elation and union and pity to name a few. And I suppose I should point out that these examples would be more accurately described as states of mind than emotions, and that some of them carry a very wide variety of emotions rich with layers and colors and hues. Anyway, despite being at an extreme, regardless of which end, almost all day, I still feel like this was a good day.
Now, the mere statement that a day is good or bad, and that it’s designation as such relies on my emotional and mental states and how they are maintained gives me a certain sense of confusion about how my mind and the world works. This confusion emanates from the pipes and attaches itself to my thoughts as they race through the labyrinth of neural plumbing that in someway supports my consciousness. I found myself, like most days, waking up and watching my mind, waiting and jumping on what comes across it to label and identify myself with it, all while asking questions like, “Who am I?” What am I going to do with myself?”
I often times sensed a critical mass approaching but then just as I felt some force or energy reaching its peak an activity presented itself and just as easy as loosing track of yesterdays affirmations I forget about my current states and drifted off into a cruise mode while I busied myself with said activity. For some reason I was able to cool off at certain points this afternoon and even discover a pseudo reason for some of my emotions, but I couldn't escape any of my natural attitudes that bring them about in the first place. Actually, I haven’t the slightest notion of where, in my mind or in my actions these core reasons might appear where one could locate them.
The good parts of the day, and the good parts of everyday, are simply being able to experience it. Even if I am depressed or angry or sad, most days I am still able to appreciate the awe of it all, and today was no exception. And once again through certain actions like meditating I have something that I did to label as productive and even if I see or hear of someone who did something amazing that I would want to do, (which I did today) I can still fall back on my “accomplishments,” which I did today as well. now i think it is easy to see the confusion in this method and need for affirmation and its alarming how often i act out perfect examples of it.
And now back to the confusion. Good bad, my way your way, all these things that I do that I put before certain scrutiny and judgments seem like some crazy circus ride of wasted energy and lost moments. “I am not good enough, I am not intelligent enough, my intellect is feeble.” “This will satisfy requirements to be a good person.”
I suppose at some level I felt like so much of me can be equated to adding up the mental constructs. Now, I don’t think of myself as a computer in anyway, quite the contrary actually, but I still sense a complex and busy device, like a myriad of mirrors each of a specific size and shape built with precision from experience of my 28 years to reflect the best possible balance of energy and waves back to whatever or whoever it is that I might be dealing with so that I am what it is that I am supposed to be..
This feels cynical as I type it, but I suppose a certain amount of self cynicism prevailed today. So now it is bed time even though I don’t want to go to bed. And even though I am writing and being “productive” I still feel slightly agitated with myself because it’s past two a.m. and I know I wont want to wake up tomorrow. I can at least go to sleep feeling decent because I know I have my love next to me and even though my reflections throughout the day opened more questions than anything, I still have more time to think about it. I can think about it I can think about it.
Now, the mere statement that a day is good or bad, and that it’s designation as such relies on my emotional and mental states and how they are maintained gives me a certain sense of confusion about how my mind and the world works. This confusion emanates from the pipes and attaches itself to my thoughts as they race through the labyrinth of neural plumbing that in someway supports my consciousness. I found myself, like most days, waking up and watching my mind, waiting and jumping on what comes across it to label and identify myself with it, all while asking questions like, “Who am I?” What am I going to do with myself?”
I often times sensed a critical mass approaching but then just as I felt some force or energy reaching its peak an activity presented itself and just as easy as loosing track of yesterdays affirmations I forget about my current states and drifted off into a cruise mode while I busied myself with said activity. For some reason I was able to cool off at certain points this afternoon and even discover a pseudo reason for some of my emotions, but I couldn't escape any of my natural attitudes that bring them about in the first place. Actually, I haven’t the slightest notion of where, in my mind or in my actions these core reasons might appear where one could locate them.
The good parts of the day, and the good parts of everyday, are simply being able to experience it. Even if I am depressed or angry or sad, most days I am still able to appreciate the awe of it all, and today was no exception. And once again through certain actions like meditating I have something that I did to label as productive and even if I see or hear of someone who did something amazing that I would want to do, (which I did today) I can still fall back on my “accomplishments,” which I did today as well. now i think it is easy to see the confusion in this method and need for affirmation and its alarming how often i act out perfect examples of it.
And now back to the confusion. Good bad, my way your way, all these things that I do that I put before certain scrutiny and judgments seem like some crazy circus ride of wasted energy and lost moments. “I am not good enough, I am not intelligent enough, my intellect is feeble.” “This will satisfy requirements to be a good person.”
I suppose at some level I felt like so much of me can be equated to adding up the mental constructs. Now, I don’t think of myself as a computer in anyway, quite the contrary actually, but I still sense a complex and busy device, like a myriad of mirrors each of a specific size and shape built with precision from experience of my 28 years to reflect the best possible balance of energy and waves back to whatever or whoever it is that I might be dealing with so that I am what it is that I am supposed to be..
This feels cynical as I type it, but I suppose a certain amount of self cynicism prevailed today. So now it is bed time even though I don’t want to go to bed. And even though I am writing and being “productive” I still feel slightly agitated with myself because it’s past two a.m. and I know I wont want to wake up tomorrow. I can at least go to sleep feeling decent because I know I have my love next to me and even though my reflections throughout the day opened more questions than anything, I still have more time to think about it. I can think about it I can think about it.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
animals on the march
Today i am quite agitated. There is a wave present. Under my skin all throughout my body lies a water that has been penetrated by a large object that was traveling at a very high velocity.
My skin is tight and it works to keep the waters' surface area small so the wave continues to move and travel and bounce and react with everything that it comes into contact with. each organ and wall is bombarded from every angle as the wave is now reflecting from all directions. I know that the energy of the wave will slowly entropy but i feel like this wont happen for a very long time and currently the wave is like a torrent.
I am afraid of another stone hitting the water before this current wave has indeed completed its cycle and released its energy.
As the wave makes contact with everything it passes i feel the flesh absorbing minuscule amounts or this energy and inside the flesh this absorbed energy builds up. My flesh becomes warm, it tingles. I feel the need to move or flex or twinge. I have no choice but to react.
The process is tiring. I am definitely agitated today.
My skin is tight and it works to keep the waters' surface area small so the wave continues to move and travel and bounce and react with everything that it comes into contact with. each organ and wall is bombarded from every angle as the wave is now reflecting from all directions. I know that the energy of the wave will slowly entropy but i feel like this wont happen for a very long time and currently the wave is like a torrent.
I am afraid of another stone hitting the water before this current wave has indeed completed its cycle and released its energy.
As the wave makes contact with everything it passes i feel the flesh absorbing minuscule amounts or this energy and inside the flesh this absorbed energy builds up. My flesh becomes warm, it tingles. I feel the need to move or flex or twinge. I have no choice but to react.
The process is tiring. I am definitely agitated today.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
ah servant
"Didn't I tell you to have the piano expanding amidst inferno so the hammers and chords flatten and burst as the man played into the crescendo? How does one of work and servitude such as yourself expect to achieve any of your happiest dreams?"
"Perhaps I do not fair well in such a quest. But tell me Sir, are your dreams ubiquitous with both colour and a sense of pain?"
"Well, no.."
"Then I do not trust your dreams. Instead I will leave you now on the shores among the lions of Africa or the uncompassionate bellies of the leopards in South America..."
"What is it that you dream about?"
"I have to try and be careful about dreaming Sir. I must instead try and consider the fundamentals."
"What then are your fundamentals?"
"The fisherman's hands bleed as the rope pulls and slides through their grasp. Like him, I can recognize and connect with the blood that flows from them, and although I am not my parts I can not seem to escape their sum. As I continue to will things to happen Sir I must poor some of the gasoline on my own skin.....
Look over here Sir, I am sorry. We have another piano in the foyer."
- a conversation as remembered by a slightly scalded piano player
"Perhaps I do not fair well in such a quest. But tell me Sir, are your dreams ubiquitous with both colour and a sense of pain?"
"Well, no.."
"Then I do not trust your dreams. Instead I will leave you now on the shores among the lions of Africa or the uncompassionate bellies of the leopards in South America..."
"What is it that you dream about?"
"I have to try and be careful about dreaming Sir. I must instead try and consider the fundamentals."
"What then are your fundamentals?"
"The fisherman's hands bleed as the rope pulls and slides through their grasp. Like him, I can recognize and connect with the blood that flows from them, and although I am not my parts I can not seem to escape their sum. As I continue to will things to happen Sir I must poor some of the gasoline on my own skin.....
Look over here Sir, I am sorry. We have another piano in the foyer."
- a conversation as remembered by a slightly scalded piano player
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