just a reed

My lord why was today so hard? And how is it that I would describe the day as being hard and at the same time a great day? I suppose this question sounds in earnest only for a lazy fellow, which I more than likely am a lazy fellow. But, in this case the difficulty of the day was in my human disposition to feel pain. I cycled through a few different emotions; anger, agitation, sadness and hopelessness and simply feeling lost in general to elation and union and pity to name a few. And I suppose I should point out that these examples would be more accurately described as states of mind than emotions, and that some of them carry a very wide variety of emotions rich with layers and colors and hues. Anyway, despite being at an extreme, regardless of which end, almost all day, I still feel like this was a good day.
Now, the mere statement that a day is good or bad, and that it’s designation as such relies on my emotional and mental states and how they are maintained gives me a certain sense of confusion about how my mind and the world works. This confusion emanates from the pipes and attaches itself to my thoughts as they race through the labyrinth of neural plumbing that in someway supports my consciousness. I found myself, like most days, waking up and watching my mind, waiting and jumping on what comes across it to label and identify myself with it, all while asking questions like, “Who am I?” What am I going to do with myself?”
I often times sensed a critical mass approaching but then just as I felt some force or energy reaching its peak an activity presented itself and just as easy as loosing track of yesterdays affirmations I forget about my current states and drifted off into a cruise mode while I busied myself with said activity. For some reason I was able to cool off at certain points this afternoon and even discover a pseudo reason for some of my emotions, but I couldn't escape any of my natural attitudes that bring them about in the first place. Actually, I haven’t the slightest notion of where, in my mind or in my actions these core reasons might appear where one could locate them.
The good parts of the day, and the good parts of everyday, are simply being able to experience it. Even if I am depressed or angry or sad, most days I am still able to appreciate the awe of it all, and today was no exception. And once again through certain actions like meditating I have something that I did to label as productive and even if I see or hear of someone who did something amazing that I would want to do, (which I did today) I can still fall back on my “accomplishments,” which I did today as well. now i think it is easy to see the confusion in this method and need for affirmation and its alarming how often i act out perfect examples of it.
And now back to the confusion. Good bad, my way your way, all these things that I do that I put before certain scrutiny and judgments seem like some crazy circus ride of wasted energy and lost moments. “I am not good enough, I am not intelligent enough, my intellect is feeble.” “This will satisfy requirements to be a good person.”
I suppose at some level I felt like so much of me can be equated to adding up the mental constructs. Now, I don’t think of myself as a computer in anyway, quite the contrary actually, but I still sense a complex and busy device, like a myriad of mirrors each of a specific size and shape built with precision from experience of my 28 years to reflect the best possible balance of energy and waves back to whatever or whoever it is that I might be dealing with so that I am what it is that I am supposed to be..
This feels cynical as I type it, but I suppose a certain amount of self cynicism prevailed today. So now it is bed time even though I don’t want to go to bed. And even though I am writing and being “productive” I still feel slightly agitated with myself because it’s past two a.m. and I know I wont want to wake up tomorrow. I can at least go to sleep feeling decent because I know I have my love next to me and even though my reflections throughout the day opened more questions than anything, I still have more time to think about it. I can think about it I can think about it.